When you look in the mirror, do you like what you see? Who is that person staring back at you? Are you proud? Are you happy with what you see? As you see your reflection in a downtown shop window walking next to you, what do you tell yourself?
I want share a couple photos with ya'll of myself from when I was a young girl. I want you to really look. What do you see?
These photos break my heart. I see a timid young girl who is scared and angry, her guard is up. These photos are taken shortly after I was abused, constantly watching my back living on high alert, waking to nightmares as tears stream down my face in the middle of the night.
As a teenager and into my adult years, body image always was a struggle for me. My identity was taken from me and I was forced to become someone I wasn't. I turned to unhealthy foods because it gave me instant gratification. If it wasn't for my active lifestyle that was fueled by the secrets inside me, I surely would have became obese. I'd go run and workout and then I'd eat my face off in food. I was chasing a version of me I wanted to become but was also self sabotaging it at the same time. Eating my emotions away didn't require answering questions, questions I was terrified of facing. As I entered adulthood all my friends started to get married and I couldn't help but ask, "whats wrong with me?" I was too busy comparing myself to others and as I'd look down at my muscular thighs I wished I had skinny legs like the other girls. I told myself time and time again that I wasn't good enough, and started to accept my new reality. I was the tomboy who ran around with the boys and as I listened to them talk about the other girls, I felt sick and I knew they would never talk about me like they talked about them. I filled my brain with self-doubt and I settled for being average. I may not have gained the weight on my body but as I kept telling myself I wasn't good enough the weight in my mind only continued to get heavier and heavier.
Of course I didn't realize what I was doing to myself at the time for its been a journey of learning who I am, a journey I hope never ends. It wasn't until my late 20's when I lived in Marble, Co a small mountain town of just 50 people, that I started to learn how to love my body for what it was. It wasn't something that happened overnight, but with making small changes, one step at a time, through exercise, healthy eating, doing things I love, facing my demons head on, and talking about it to as many people as I could...... And then the weight in my brain started to become less and less. Of course I still have bad days, and I'm guilty too of looking at myself in the mirror as I give into the negative talk about the woman I see in front of me.
Let's start sharing our strories of this journey we are on. Next week I want to post part of YOUR STORY!!!
So, here's to comparing less, judging less, worrying what others think less, focusing on the negative less. And cheers to loving ourselves more!!!
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